BREAK ME

Lala J. Thorpe

“You have to come no matter what…”

Just how on earth did he assume I was going to survive a minute or two in there? The night had been dreadful. He showed up at my doorstep with dampened shirt from the rain, breathing heavily from running while clutching on a piece of wet invitation covered in cellophane. That’s when the nightmare began.

Our Wedding

Scott Alan Flanagan & Fay Grace O’Neill

are to wed

November, 29^th 2019

We invite you to attend the ceremony at St. Ann’s Church Manchester 4 PM. Also we invite you to the big celebration afterwards to be held at.

I turned the crème duplex paper over and over to convince myself that it wasn’t happening. The guy whom I had been having a massive crush on since college was about to tie the knot. I and Scott had become close friends since early years of college, even the gossips spread like a fire. After we graduated, I got a job at Cardiff and eventually continued my post-graduate study there. The frequency of our interaction decreased to our own work and duty. But he attended my graduation ceremony along with our best friend Nathan, bringing ton loads of gifts and flowers.

“You didn’t even tell me you were seeing a girl,” I spoke rather petrified in the living-room.

“I…I know. And I apologise for that.” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, avoiding my eyes. “I was gonna tell you properly, I really did. But…you know, we couldn’t even have time to catch up with each other since you moved to Cardiff.”

“So it’s my fault then? I’m in fault here for moving away from you?” I scoffed.

“Blaire, please don’t say that. I just…hadn’t enough guts to say to you.”

I stood up glancing through my apartment window as tears started to fog my glasses. “You’re so unbelievable, Scott.”

He cleared his throat and spoke again. “The truth is, me and Fay have been seeing each other a month after we graduated.”

“Does Nathan know about this?”

“He does.”

“How amazing! So, I’m the one who’s ignorant here about my best friend’s relationship, who is also about to pronounce his marriage pledge in less than two weeks.”

I lay upon the couch where he sat and it felt empty. The whole emotions tasted bitter along with this primordial sentiment buried down for years. Lifting the invitation above my head, I read their names over and over. Fay O’Neill. The girl a year our junior in college who held a minor position in student council, the girl who didn’t attract attention from other students but eventually attracted the guy whom I had a crush on.

And he heartlessly asked me to attend their holy matrimony.

For the following two weeks, I was busied with work and administration stuffs that I hadn’t had time to overthink about it. I didn’t have time to mourn. Yes, my chest felt so heavy every time I caught a glance at that damn invitation but I wasn’t able to cry. Standing before the mirror, I stared at the broken woman in front of me dressed in a crimson gown and jet black stiletto, face polished in a bold makeup concealing the heavy bags under her eyes. It’s his day. God knows what’s gonna happen if I was bold enough to show up among our friends with this fake smile. Nathan just called me to take care on my way as it’s gonna be a long 4 hour driving from Cardiff.

Manchester

Oh, the memories. I crossed the roads where Scott and I both used to hang out as broke students or steal time amid the weekly assignments just to go to the cinema. I pulled over for a minute across the dorm where I used to stay. The garden wasn’t modified much, even I could catch a glimpse of an old man figure right there. Mr Chamberlain, the kind gardener.

The holy matrimony was an hour away. The metal music set out loud in the audio was either a distraction or a barrier for me to hold this breakdown. I could not waste my makeup to fade before facing the crowd which might be dominated by our friends.

“Blaire O’Hanlon,” I answered the call.

“Hi, it’s me Nathan. You already in Manchester?”

“Hi, Nate. Yes, uhm, I just need to pull over for a sec.”

“Where are you? Let me fetch you.”

“No no, it’s fine. I was about to go on when you called.”

“You okay?”

Shit. Nathan must have noticed my trembling voice.

“Yeah. I’ll see you there. Bye!”

As I jumped out of the car, Nathan was already waiting for me near the daffodils garden dressed in best man suit and a green ribbon on his left pocket. We hugged and proceeded inside whilst I wasn’t sure I’d be able to suppress this emotion as the smell of fresh flowers and the warmth of family were in the air.

“Here, have a seat.”

Son of a bitch. Scott even reserved a place for me right at the second row directly facing his point of view. He was busy fixing his tie with his back on mine. That handsome haircut, the broad shoulders, and his fitted white suit would be the ultimate cause of my downfall once he turned around.

The music started and Scott turned around as the door opened. Hold it, Blaire. You can do it. Closing my eyes for a few seconds, I caught a gaze of Scott on me as I opened them, looking taken aback of my presence.

“I’m here,” I mumbled inaudibly.

Scott nodded and smiled back. “Thank you.”

The guests were slowly turning around to have a good look and Fay holding her father’s arm. She was beaming with that bone-white dress and hair set loose. I wasn’t smiling. How was I supposed to act when the love of my life was about to swear an oath before me? The tears were blurring my vision as I watched Scott took Fay’s hand and stood in front of the priest.

“You may now kiss the bride.”

I shut my eyes tight and drooped my neck to conceal the tears which already fell like raindrops. The crowd cheer was merely a blurry sound behind the sound of my broken heart. I wasn’t able to sit straight, not until I felt the newlyweds walked away from the altar. I left the last after all the guests exited the building to congratulate them. The scattered flower petals were all over the aisle. My legs were shaking so hard trying to maintain my posture which had turned vulnerable. Again, I saw Nathan was waiting for me in front of the door. We exchanged look for a second before I dropped myself to his embrace letting it all out, whilst he pulled me to hide from the other guests.

Nathan said nothing during my breakdown as we just sat on a bench far from them. He understood what to do since he knew exactly how my feelings to Scott were.

“I shouldn’t have come.”

He sighed holding my hand. “I know. I’m sorry he had to force you to come.”

I shook my head attempting to suppress my sob which began to invade my breathing passage. The cheering kept going behind my ringing ears. I stayed like that until a few more minutes after my weeping subsided, trying to stabilise my breath before I went back to the crowd.

“Retouch your makeup before returning to them,” suggested Nathan and I agreed.

I stood up and straightened my crumpled dress. “Okay, let’s go.”

“Hey, I’ve been trying to find yo—Blaire? What’s going on?”

Scott was standing by the daffodils with his jaw dropped.

“Oh, hi! I-I was retouching my makeup here, y’know, 4 hours drive,” I lied. But Scott didn’t seem to pay attention to what I was saying, instead he frowned and approached me without averting his gaze from me, and grabbed my left arm.

“You’ve been crying.”

I laughed bitterly avoiding his gaze. “Do I look like it?”

“You’re not looking at me, Blaire.”

“Hmmm??? I’M LOOKING AT YOU NOW, SCOTTY!” I exclaimed widening my eyes glaring at him challenging.

“Blaire, please, tell me what’s going on.”

Damn it! Even after all these years, he still noticed my not so okay state no matter how much I hid it.

“No. You tell me what’s going on.”

“Tch! We’re about to proceed to the next agenda and I was about to ask you to give a speech but you’re not there so I looked for you. But you’re here apparently and…your cheeks are tear-stained.”

I opened my mouth to answer him but Scott interrupted me.

“You can’t tell me that’s tears of happiness because those are definitely not.”

Once again I looked away from him biting my lower lip.

“Sorry, Scott. I won’t be able to be here any longer.”

Pushing him away, I walked off with vast steps to my car before he saw my overflowing tears.

“Blaire? BLAIRE! WAIT!”

He kept calling me but I ran faster across the other guests and I no more cared if Fay or her family, or our college friends saw me crying. As I jumped into my Ford, I saw Scott was approaching my car and that’s when I almost hit him from high speed, causing the guests scream from the chaos I made. You’ve done it, Blaire. You ruined everything. The blaming voice kept ringing inside my head. An hour ago was a perfect situation for them, and now everything was a mess. I was severely heartbroken and I dragged everyone into this, as if experiencing alone wasn’t enough. And now Scott needed someone to blame from ruining their beautiful days. But in my case, no one was to blame. The only regret I had was that I had wasted every chance to tell him how much he meant to me.