Talking about self-acceptance, what can we take from this phrase? I keep talking to myself about how I should try to accept myself whatever it takes, whatever my body experiences. In the ol’ days, I wasn’t quite capable of perceiving the beauty in me, whilst some individuals worship my height, my hair, yet those were far from my focus. My mind was occupied with begging for validity from someone who never set a blink on me. The harshness and the comparison to someone else I gave to myself were atrocious. Little did I know that their lives weren’t as beautiful as I saw from the surface. Should I be aware, they were struggling as well.
Whenever I started feeling pretty, there’s always this voice telling me that there were always more beautiful girls out there. The inner fight, the combat with my own toxicity, have been going on for years already. Those were worsened by the presence of this damn anxiety disorder to the point that I couldn’t trust myself for every effort I pulled. Though I’ve found my best friends who’re never tired of validating the values in me, this stupid mind wouldn’t even budge from false assumption.
Those traumatizing rejection from people I trusted, the silent treatment, after all those prolonged agonizing therapies I underwent, they haven’t stopped haunting me. I was quite a fool for still giving a room for them who disowned my sincere sentiment towards them. And they never once stated where I’d done wrong.
I’ve been rather misfortune in finding my significant other. Yeah, several guys had tried to make their move buy it wasn’t for me to return their feeling. When it seemed decent for both of us, there were stuffs preventing us from proceeding our journey right before we acknowledged each other’s feeling. There wasn’t precise closure between us and it just ended immediately. Either one of us kept our distance or shit occurred.
Self-acceptance isn’t something to do in a fast pace. It requires years of process starting from tiny acknowledgement for every small achievement. I proceed by the virtue of my tenacity in stabilizing my mental state through years of process. One conviction I always need is that I can’t be someone that I’m not and neither can they. Yeah, expecting society to accept myself is nowhere to be probable and I don’t expect myself to please them either. When they decided to leave, it’s their loss. Not mine.
Companion of The Defender 